To be posted on the following weblog:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ONTARIO VINEYARD VILLAGE ASSOCATION PROPOSES REVOLUTIONARY TRAFFIC CALMING SOLUTION
Proponents Certain that Federal Approval of Interstate 10 Shutdown Will Be Provided “Swiftly”
GUASTI, CA – October 24 2005 - In an unprecedented move in the traffic calming industry, the Ontario Vineyard Village Association (OVVA) has proposed a revolutionary idea to reduce traffic congestion concerns in northeast Ontario.
According to Ontario Emperor, Third Vice President of the Association, “Our organization and fellow organizations have been struggling with the traffic issue. For example, the Ontario Mountain Village Association is on record as stating that new businesses should not increase traffic or attract a criminal element. However, the OMVA’s headquarters region itself is wracked with problems affecting nearby residential areas, including a hazardous waste situation that was not reported for six days.
“Miniscule measures might offer some protection to Fourth and Vineyard residents, but only a comprehensive solution will offer the maximum benefit.”
The OVVA’s “comprehensive solution” involves the decommissioning of all roads within one mile of Fourth and Vineyard, including Fourth Street, Vineyard Avenue, and U.S. Interstate 10.
“Traditional traffic calming just doesn’t do the job,” according to the Emperor. “It only results in minor damage to the cars that try to beat it. We need something that stops the cars dead in their tracks.”
The OVVA will engage in vicious attacks on those who believe its solution is too extreme. “It’s for the children,” said the Emperor in an insincerely emotional voice.
Ontario Vineyard Village Association
c/o KOER Synthetica Radio 87.1 MHz
1 Empire Way Suite 2525
Guasti, CA 91743